So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
