So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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