You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
