and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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