Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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