I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize