She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
