She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
