he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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