Soap is not a condiment
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
