guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
