I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
