You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
