Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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