What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
