yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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