I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
