A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
