Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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