I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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