tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
jump out the window naked night went bad
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