please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
