I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
