I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can text with my tongue
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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