saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
