So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
