If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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