having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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