Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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