alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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