Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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