Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize