i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
