I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
