anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
