god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize