JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
