im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
