my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
