It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you inspire me to be a worse person
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
