3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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