I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize