FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
