Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
