you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
