her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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