why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I would fuck him just for his dog
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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