Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize