i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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