the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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