How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize