I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
