TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
