I can't watch pbs sober anymore
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
