mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
