kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize