my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize