So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
