You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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