I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
