Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
